I Don't Believe In God.

Quite an opener for my return to blogging after a six month hiatus, right?

It is this thought, though, that has brought me back.

See, O has been talking about Baby Jesus lately, though I am unsure of why. We are by no means a Christian family, and do not attend church, so I am thinking this information is coming from classmates or YouTube videos. Which is fine, really; neither my husband (an agnostic) nor I (Eclectic Pagan Kitchen Witch) force our beliefs on the Beasties. In fact, we encourage them to find their own belief system, to ask questions, and to explore. I want whatever spirituality they have to come from their hearts, you know?

Anyway, so, when O asked me this morning if I loved God . . . I had to reply "No." Because I don't. He asked, "You don't love God? Like, the guy in the sky?" And I had to tell him no, I don't, because I don't believe in some guy sitting in a cloud fortress overlooking all of humanity. I believe in many gods and one god and different facets of god and I don't think God is just a man or just a woman or that god isn't a person already walking among us. I don't believe in a being that is all-loving, who gives life a purpose, because I have lived too long and seen too much to trust that any one being could love humanity and still allow the atrocities that happen to happen. 

Because, what, He turned his back that one second before a tsunami? Because that little girl didn't pray hard enough? Because those people fleeing armies were not Christian?

I just don't buy it.

Sometimes, though, I want to.

I want to lay all my problems and strife at the feet of an all-knowing being and have them tell me what to do, have them lift my burdens and allay my fears.

But, then I realize I am that being. I know me. I know how to solve my problems or sit with them. And not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the world is just fucked up and here we are, trying to live in it the best ways we know how and isn't that God? Isn't that the beauty of being alive, here, right now? That we keep trying? That we see the horrible and we try to bring light into the world anyway?

I don't know, but I was thinking about all of it this morning and needed a place to get it out on "paper," and then I remembered I have this space and I may not believe in God, but I believe in the divine and sometimes the most divine thing one can do is put their heart out there in blind trust.

So, I'm back. And if you are, too, welcome. I am grateful to see you. xo