The Wild In-Between.

So. I did a thing. And, really, it's been my whole life in the making. But, also, it's taken me about three years of writing for this first step. 

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And, see, I was going to wait until October, because that was the deadline I had set for myself--be a published author by October 2018.

But, see, this thing happened recently wherein I had to ask myself if waiting was playing small. Not that playing small is bad, just that playing small isn't something I am willing to do anymore. 

And I was.  Playing small, I mean. Being scared. Letting my fear of failure and my perfectionism force me to second guess myself. And in all my almost 38-years fear of failure never brought me anything but heartache.

As you'll see if you buy my book.

My book. It sort of blows my mind that I can type that really, but it's true. I wrote a book. And you can buy it. Or gift it. Or look at the cover with love and longing. Or pretend you read it and write me a raving review (don't worry, I'll keep that secret between us). 

Or do all of the above AND write me a raving review (reviews mean so, SO much to authors--trust me).

Either way, no more waiting. No more playing small.

I wrote a book. 

For a signed copy, please visit my shop. A limited amount of signed pre-orders are available.

A Wild 154 Days: 008

Day 008: III of Air/Swords, inverted. 

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A reminder that it’s okay to feel the pain and move on when ready. Reclaiming your heart or your thoughts or your life in no way negates all you experienced, and doesn’t have to be a betrayal to the person you were while going through it. 

Hold on to the lessons (if there were any; sometimes shit happens and there is no rhyme or reason or lesson to be learned), forgive yourself your mistakes, and don’t be afraid to accept the good that comes your way.

A Wild 154 Days: 007

Day 007: VII of Water/Cups. 

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Though this card speaks to fantasy and illusion, wishes and wishful thinking, does it show up for anyone else when you’re TWD—Throwing While Distracted?

Every time I shuffle and throw while distracted, I pull the VII of Cups.

Every. Single. Time.

You’d think I’d have learned by now to not watch YouTube videos and think about my day’s schedule while also trying to throw. 

Oh, by the way . . .

I wrote a book.

Well, not like a book book. It's not a novel kind of book, but rather a collection of poetry kind of book.

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I'm expecting the arrival of a second proof within the next week or two, but after final approvals, the intention is to offer a limited amount of signed pre-orders by the end of August and have it available for regular release by October.  So, if it sounds like something you might be interested in, keep an eye on this space or visit my Instagram account @thewildinbetween.

Thank you all, so much, for your continued support.

A Wild 154 Days: 003

Day 003: XVI The Tower. 

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Am I the only who sees The Tower in a throw and thinks “Oooh, fuck” in that slow-mo way that Ralphie says it in THE CHRISTMAS STORY?

So. The Tower. I know exactly the devastation and upheaval this refers to and was actually thinking about it when I was shuffling. See, my girl, my first baby, leaves for college soon. And she took her practice driving test today. And, oddly enough, the thought of her driving alone drove me to tears today. Her going to college? I’ve been okay about. Her driving alone? FREAKS ME THE FUCK OUT.

And it’s like all these shifts all at once and holy, holy how am I supposed to do all this?
 

A Wild 154 Days: 001

I wake from his good morning kiss, then hear the distinct beep of the coffeemaker as he turns it on for me before leaving. My head is throbbing, but it only takes a moment to register that it is indeed Friday, and the Full Buck Moon hangs heavy against the inky sky. Full moon hangover already or a precursor to the show?

No matter; I have to see her. So, I slip out to the yard as quietly as I can, feet leading me toward the light spilling across the side of our home.

There she is, pregnant with possibilities, Mars her companion. I marvel a moment, snap a quick photo, and then steal back inside.

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I pour a cup of coffee, make my way to my desk, grab my deck, and light a candle.

It's time.

This blood moon is a siren calling me back to the cards, and it is fortuitous that, from today, there are 154 days until my 38th birthday--just enough time to make it through two tarot decks if I pull one card a day and three cards to celebrate my birth.

#AWild154Days of tarot starts here, lovelies.

I may ask a different question each day, but today I started with the question I always seem to ask: What do I need to know today?

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And Death stared up at me.

Which is fitting, I suppose, as this full moon eclipse has been referred to as one of not just transition, but rebirth. Which is fitting, I suppose, as my creative world is shifting a bit with the upcoming release of my collection of poetry, The Wild In-Between. Which is fitting, I suppose, as it seems my Capricorn sun is always in a state of transition, of adjusting, of starting over and shedding.

Death is a welcomed harbinger of change.

Honestly, all I could think of when I saw it was "Oh! Thank goodness it isn't The Tower." lol

So.

If you'd like to join in on this tarot journey, please do and use the hashtag because I'd love to see your throws. There are no hard and fast rules; I will be pulling daily and sharing on social media, but you can participate as much or as little as you wish.

If you just want to follow along, follow the hashtag on Instagram, check my account @thewildinbetween, or visit here for updates.

Happy full moon, babies!

* Deck: Nomad Tarot

There’ll be no one left to tell our story.

It dawned on me this morning that the United States is a sinking ship.

We are a Titanic with exaggerated, mythical abilities that truly was never built to help all its passengers survive.

See, whatever some of us thought we were, we aren’t.

And some of the first class passengers are just now realizing this.

And some of the first class passengers have always known there aren’t enough lifeboats.

And it’s all hands on deck, but no one is saving us. No . . . no, instead they’re making sure the gates are locked on the third class passengers while the hull floods.

They never intended for us to survive. 

And it’s been women and children first, sure, but instead of helping them, they’re caging them. 

And the rats are fleeing, but not before infecting everything and everyone they can. Because if they can’t have the run of things, they don’t give a damn about leaving a plague in their wake. 

And the water is coming up fast, sometimes faster than we can climb or run or swim, and we feel frozen in place.

Some of us are drowning.

Some of us are jumping. 

Some of us are fighting through the numbness and pain to make it out alive, knowing—knowing—that what awaits us will likely be more treading of water in the darkness before help arrives.

If help arrives.

And the captain doesn’t care about the sinking of this ship because he steered us to the sharks on purpose. 

And the captain doesn’t care about the sinking of this ship because his heart’s already an iceberg. 

So, if we’re to survive this, we need to listen for every whistle of distress.

If we’re to survive this, we need to make room in the lifeboats, turn toward the fray, and risk capsizing to save as many lives as we can. 

if we’re to survive this, we have to realize there is room on the door.  

Things They Don’t Tell You About Parenting Young Adults: 001

1. Sleepless nights don’t stop, but you might find yourself actually melancholy when you realize someday soon your sleeplessness won’t be eased by the sound of the house alarm chime when they walk through the front door . . . because they’ll be sleeping elsewhere.

Like their dorm room. 

2.  Your conversations will run the gamut of topics, from Snapchat and current slang to relationship advice and fashion tips, and you’ll actually enjoy it. 

It’ll feel less like talking to a hormonal wall and more like talking to a younger, smarter version of yourself.  

3. Never underestimate the gift of one-on-one time together. Even if that means running errands or keeping each other company while painting your own nails, you’ll be grateful for that time well spent.

4. Worrying doesn’t stop, either. It just changes, grows in different directions, maybe even becomes that sort of desperate worry that can never be fully alleviated because couch snuggles and kissing their hurts isn’t as effective as it once was.  

Costco Haul: 001

If, like me, you find yourselves at Costco (far too) often, you know that there can be hidden gems amongst the bulk and seasonal items. 

Unfortunately, they seem to sell out quickly or leave the sales floor for seasons at a time (if they come back at all), so I thought this would be a fun little series featuring those Costco finds that almost immediately make their way into my cart.

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- Moleskine Cahier journals. This six-pack sells for $19.99 at Costco and includes 1 grey, 1 blue, 1 red, 1 kraft brown, 1 green, and 1 black journal. Something similar is going for $48.95 via Amazon Prime, so this is definitely a steal for all my journal loving people.

- L'Oreal Voluminous Lash Paradise Mascara. A single tube of this glorious, drugstore mascara is $8.99 at Target, but Costco is currently offering a three-pack for $17.99! You're basically getting one free! Add to that the fact that most mascaras are only supposed to be used for three months and this three-pack practically has you covered for the whole year.

Oh! Did I mention it is also a well known dupe for the Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara, whose standard size sells for $23 a tube? Buy this three-pack at Costco and you'll totally get your money's worth.

- HUE Perfect Fit Leggings. These leggings are available on Nordstrom.com for $36 each, but if you can make it out to a Costco or can order online, you can snag a 2-pack of these comfy leggings for $18.99. These super lightweight, just stretchy enough to feel comfortable without looking like pajama pants, wide waistband leggings are even opaque and would be great for lounging or layering. 

* If you are between sizes, you may want to size down. I purchased the XLs last week and they are comfy, but not fitted, so I'm keeping them for lounging around the house and picked up a size L set today to wear for errands and such.

Annnnnnd there you have it, folx--my first ever Costco haul. Let me know in the comments below what gems you've uncovered on Costco trips and I'll be sure to share whatever finds get me giddy in the future.

xo

A summoning. Twenty-three.

1. He makes enough coffee for the both of us so these 4AM wake ups hurt a little less.

Just a little.

2. We're finally getting around to her senior portraits today. I'm not sure either of us are ready.

3. Tomorrow is the last final of the semester. I'm so ready.

4. I want to be here more. I think I've said that before. I know I have. But it is still true. Is anyone else moving back to blogging?

5. This could be a five things sort of deal. Or three. Maybe even seven. Let's just see, okay? Okay.

Five Things: A summoning. Twenty-Two.

1. Wracked with tears and realizations that came too late. 

2. the longer I am on facebook, the less I want to be there. 

But there are people showing up and conversations being held there that are valuable to me, so I stop by for them and leave the rest. 

3. I’m sorry. I want to show up more. 

4.  Vanilla caramel creamer and coffee at home. 

5. I’m so ready for summer vacation, but not the heat or college freshman orientation or all the things it will bring closer. 

Five things: a summoning. Twenty-one.

1. Graph the equation , the question reads and I am reminded, yet again, why I hate math.  

Also? Fractions suck ass.  

2. I’m the mom in the pick up queue bumping Biggie, and I don’t even care if it garners looks. If you don’t turn up 2Pac or Biggie when they come on the radio or up on the playlist, we can’t be friends.  

3. I’ve been crying daily. I don’t know if the world is crueler, if I am softer, if it’s a mixture of both, or if maybe I am just exhausted over all of it. In any case, it feels like my heart is an open wound, and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with the privilege of being able to feel this way. 

4. It feels like winter in SoCal, and I wonder if the Japan earthquake in 2011 adjusting the earth’s axis means it shifted what we know to be the cycle of seasons. So, maybe February is now the start of winter instead of December, and so on.

Maybe the combination of global warming and the shift is what is creating weather that seems unseasonable. 

5. Here. And isn’t that some sort of gift.  

Five things: a summoning. Twenty.

1-5. notice the riot of green spreading across the blacked earth. 

 Look, I say. The grass. It’s growing back.

He steals a glance and says, You know, I almost got some [blackened earth] for you on my way home yesterday, but I didn’t have a container. Next time. 

Aw !, I say, and our youngest asks, What? I tell him his Daddy was going to get me some dirt because loves me, and the look on his face is utter confusion. 

I tell him to marry a witch one day and he‘ll understand. 

 

Five things: a summoning. Nineteen.

1. I'm not sure whether or not being here is a sign of moving on or coping, and isn't that a fucking luxury.

2. I woke up at 5AM this morning, having forgotten to turn off my alarms, and let myself watch a movie on Netflix.

Things still feel hella heavy, but I'm trying to be aware of just how lucky I am to be here. To have my children safe under my roof. To not be in mourning.

3. Study runes.

4. I don't know what to say.

5. Maybe you don't, either?